spared.

It was as quick and swift as they started dating. They fell in love; amongst the clouds as they elevated to new heights, driving down country roads under the night’s sky.  The wind blows through the pick up truck filled with cigarette butts, empty water bottles and the permanence of some type of mechanical oil.  The grey synthetic bucket seats stained with coffee and beer, signs of long days and nights on the road.

They were always flying high, and the clouds were set low.

It was the night she remembered where her life took a new course; she could still feel the air dancing between her fingers as her hand took the stage outside her passenger window. They pull into an empty parking lot, lit from the orange lights, illuminating the empty stalls. Their cares begin to fade as they light another cigarette. He flips through the cd collection in the middle compartment and puts on Silent Alarm.

They do as young love do. They consume each other without reservation, to share in a moment of pleasure and desires. Fake love. Unknown love. They think it is. Perhaps it was, but not the kind that can stand the test of time.

It didn’t feel real enough to know for sure that this was something worth fighting for everyday.  Their story had only been three months long. This would only be a temporary place in her life. She always knew, it seems.

After this singular, unimportant and meaningless night of sexual desires, it urgently changed to that of importance. All of a sudden, it would be a night that she would have to live with, collecting dust in her life.  But would always remain a steadfast place in her memory bank.

Time passed. She was late. She just knew, her instinct kicked in. Something was not right. In typical Hollywood form, the revelation came to her in the shower. Perhaps it’s the water that awakens this particular feminine instinct. With water comes life.

It was the water that awoke her.

“Oh god,” she thinks to herself, but could swear the words echoed so loudly. She stood there, under the hot water. Steam was rising along with her heartbeat. It was time to face the facts that she knew she would have to accept. She already had.

As swift as the relationship came, as swift as that night went, she took a test and the decision to choose her own life was without question. It was a defining moment. She chose herself. Her future. The possibilities of her own design.

It was a spring day, nature began to flourish. Tulips were peaking through the ground. The sun was shining brightly, the sky a vibrant blue that danced behind the funny shapes of clouds. It was a beautifully painted day.

They walked into a brown brick building. An average looking building that had average looking offices with average sounding names. It was an average kind of day, one could even say. It would not be for her.  The environment was average, this was not an average moment. Yet she took comfort in the fact that this was an average kind of decision that she amongst many others, have faced before.  She was not alone. There was comfort in that power, knowing more before and after her would be able to choose their life without hesitations or regrets. It would always be for the better.

They walk up to the front reception desk. Pleasantries exchanged. She wasn’t expecting him to come with her. He insisted and at the time, she thought, “It’s the responsible thing he should do, it’s decent at the very least.”

They sat in the waiting room, watching the monotony of daytime television programming in the corner of the room. Other girls, women, sitting and waiting. Some with support, others alone.

As her name was called, the world became small. Things started to slow down. Just then, music cued and strings began to play as she rose from her seat.

With every step, the strings would ring higher, as her footsteps became lighter. She was now floating as the melodies carried her away into the next room. She prepared for her calling, this was a new truth for her.

She lay there on the bed, medical gown tied tight, IV drip next to her flowing along with the melodies that still played for her in the background.

She was moved into a new room; one that was more sterile, secure, and cold. Warmth came from the words of the nurse that assured her, “You’ll be ok in just a few moments, I promise. This will not be long at all.” She took comfort in these sure words from another woman that saw the potential for life. She was a beacon of support and light.

She lay there, eyes falling slowly, and then nothing. She couldn’t recall what happened from the moment she heard it was all done, to recovering in another room with other women, who inadvertently looked collectively happy.

The nurse was right.

This was just the first time she would have to test herself, her will power.

And how incredible it is, the female body. So fragile yet built with such a strength of recovery and resilience.

To have such power is a beautiful thing that cannot be stricken from her. She embodies it, and it moves with her throughout her path.

No shame. No guilt. Just a scar.